For the first 30+ years of my life it was firmly embedded in my brain that something bad would happen to a child if they swam directly after eating. It was an immutable law. The daily rhythm of our family holidays was fixed by this established fact. It was only when I first heard those same words come out of my mouth to my own children, I wondered for the first time, “Really???”.
I wonder what other ‘norms’ my parents could have gotten away with if they’d tried?
What’s ‘normal’ is massively different all over the world. In Africa, male friends walk down the street holding hands. In Japan slurping your ramen loudly honours the chef, rather than spoiling the mood. Even different families from the same place have massively different ideas about what’s normal. Just ask a married person about their in-laws.
The power of normal
These ‘normals’ are powerful too. Try asking an Australian family to sauna naked together, Finland-style! Enjoy the horrified expressions.
Whether conscious or unconsciously held, what we think of as normal decisively shapes our behaviours. They could be arbitrary, blatantly false or even completely unique on planet earth, and yet we get uncomfortable functioning too far away from them.
This gives us both great power and great responsibility as parents with children. How do we make more of our norms a blessing in our families? Especially when so many of ours feel ingrained; reproducing the habits of our families of origin or the habits we’ve used to cope with the difficulties of life?
New norms
Jesus’ death, resurrection and sending of the Spirit means that our past does not determine our future. No matter what our past normal has been, He enables us to start afresh and set new norms, one by one.
Not only are we freed to choose, but the Spirit points us in the right direction, producing His fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. He leads us to seek first God’s kingdom, so that He might add all other things to us in His generosity.
So what new normals might a family want to set?
In some families, pocket money for kids is normal. I’ve heard of some families where children reserve ⅓ of their pocket money to give to those in need. It sets in motion the repeated practice of love as just “what we do” with income. To increase their agency they could even get to choose which need the money goes to. You could even determine that children have to save ⅓ as well! Just to throw delayed gratification/self-control in there as well! Both of these simultaneously teach stewardship/faithfulness, and honouring Jesus with the money that he entrusts to us.
For another example, it could become normal that children respond to their parents at the first time of asking. A small consequence can ensue if they do not, thus training the child that there is benefit to meeting this expectation. No angst or fighting required. Of course, people are often engrossed in the activity they’re doing and external voices may not register. Grace/recognition of circumstances is required! Nevertheless, respectful responsiveness can be the expectation. It can become… normal.
These things might seem weird. They might not even be something you’d ever want to do in your household. But they are doable. They, or other practices of godliness, could become your family’s normal. Whatever we do repeatedly becomes inscribed on our children as “this is just how life works.”