Keeping your grace

The Gottman Institute is a ... well I don't really know what they are. But I do know that they send me emails with insights on and provocative questions about how my marriage is going. And that's pretty cool. It's kind of like what I should be like with my friends but only rarely take the time out to do.

Tonight as I was reading one of their little emails, I was asked, "What's your conflict style? When arguing with your partner, do you have a signature move?" After running through various jokes in my head involving 90s fighting cartoons, I asked Mel what my signature move was.

We worked out that I'm at my worst when I perceive that Mel isn't at her best. So when I feel like she's not engaging in the ways that I'd find most helpful, my frustration can peak into criticism and anger.

As the conversation went on I heard myself saying, "In those moments, I find it hard to keep my cool." But as I heard the words instinctively knew that that wasn't quite what I was trying to say. It's not that I fly off the handle. It's something that's actually worse in a way. Something more fundamentally important. And then it clicked. I don't so much fail to keep my cool. I fail to keep my grace.

'Keeping my grace' is about whatever is coming towards me, I'm compassionately caring for the other person. It's about remembering that my goal in every interaction is to love them. My objective is not to defend myself. It's not to be proved right. It's to love (in my actions) the other person. When I lose this perspective, this approach, all my default learned behaviours kick in. That's when I bring out my signature moves. The most effective fighting strategies I've got, well-honed from years of battles in my family of origin.

So. Just wondering. How are you going at keeping your grace?

I've worked out a few things I need to do to be able to keep my grace. But we can talk about that in another crumb.

When we perpetuate the abuse our God hates

I felt a particular type of awkward shame when reading Julia Baird and Hayley Gleeson's latest piece on domestic violence and religion. Objective in its reporting yet damning in its implications, the report threw a spotlight on both tender and tinder spots for Australian churches. 

Failing to listen to victims of domestic violence. Perpetuating cultures that keep them in silence. When someone summons the courage to finally speak, failure to support and protect them. Actively advising the vulnerable to stay in dangerous (often deadly) situations. A dearth of sermons preached against domestic violence, among the multitude preached on female submission within marriage.

It makes for grim reading. It was released ahead of the issue being broached on the 7:30 report tonight.

But perhaps the most disquieting and shameful part of the report for me as a pastor was that it found that ministers would frequently use bible verses to tell victims that they need to stay in dangerous situations to honour God. And that with no protection offered by the church.

One of three types of texts that the report found were used to justify these spiritual exhortations were "verses that say God hates divorce". Now the verse in the bible that actually uses those words (depending on the translation) is Malachi 2:16. It goes something like this.

For I hate divorce,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “and him who covers his garment with violence,” says the Lord of hosts. “So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.”

Now there are a few different translations possible of that verse, but whichever is right one thing is clear: the reason that God hated Israelite men divorcing their wives was because it did violence to them. This can't be a pretext to allow violence to continue. The point of this verse is to ensure that male violence towards wives will cease.

There were many reasons why divorcing a wife in that culture did violence to her, but you don't need to be an expert in ancient culture to see that poor treatment of wives by husbands is God's point. It's what the whole passage is about.

Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favour on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands.  

You ask, “Why?” 

It is because the Lord is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

Malachi's prophecy on God's hatred of divorce is an outworking of God's hatred of husbands committing violence against their wives. It is God stepping in and saying, "Not now, not ever" to his people. For any pastor to use this text to force a wife and/or her children to stay in an unsafe situation has missed the point of the bible, and so has missed the heart of God.

Now to say this doesn't mean that divorce is the first step. Or even a necessary step in every situation. Or even a desirable step.

However it is clear that the duty of the church and its leaders is to stand between the victim and the abuser in cases like this, as God does in Malachi. To bind up the wounded and to call the abuser to repentance. To follow the example of Jesus, not only in living gently and kindly in all our own personal relationships, but to, self-sacrificially if necessary, stand between victims of abuse and violence.

Feeling the love

Inspired by a fantastic conversation on a long car-trip with a loved brother yesterday, I've decided that I'm on a campaign to encourage a language change.

I reckon that instead of thinking about "self-esteem", maybe us Christians should instead be thinking about "God's-love-esteem".

Christians ought to get our sense of value from God's gracious love for us.  Right?  It's not that we're so worthwhile that God loves us (self-esteem thinking in drag). The truth is that we are bestowed incredible honour and value because of God's love for us.  The other way around.  His love being the giver of worth.

God's love brought him to create you, in His image, for relationship with Him.  A fact that should lead to wonder that he's done so, ala Psalm 8.  (Seriously, go read it.  Now!  ;)  )  On top of that, for those who're reading this who belong to Jesus, God loves you with an everlasting, unbreakable, infinite and personal love that he demonstrated at the cross.

But sometimes, as my dear brother shared, that just doesn't feel like it's enough.  It doesn't "do anything for me".  I'd probably get a bigger boost from a 'like' on my latest selfie.

So I reckon what we really need is more "God's-love-esteem".  That is, how much esteem do you hold for the fact that God loves you?  How highly do you value it?  How much do you allow the fact that God loves you to affect your personal sense of worth?

In other words, are you feeling the love?  Are you letting the objective reality of God's love for you affect your subjective experience?  How's your "God's-love-esteem"?

So, what do you reckon?  Instead of abandoning self-esteem for nothing, can we replace it with "God's-love-esteem"?

Or come up with something that's better, catchier and easier to remember but means the same thing. And then email it to me so I can edit this post.  :D

Listening: the appropriate subjectiveness of truth

I think that in my younger years I at times suffered from an inappropriate oversimplification of my understanding of truth.  From my adult interactions with others, I can see that I was never alone in this.

Truth is always something that is contained within a certain frame of reference.  If I'm travelling in a car on the freeway, the car next to me may look like it's standing still.  Is it?  Some would say, "But it's not!  It's driving 5kmh over the limit!".

Yet if my 9 month old son were to magically be able to speak and said "That car's not going anywhere."  I'd agree with him.  Because that statement speaks truthfully of our experience of it.  It is true, within our frame of reference.  It's a narrow frame of reference, but the statement is an entirely valid expression of the experience of someone from within it.

Which is what allows me to listen well.  Well, better.

When I listen to someone, this allows me to listen actively and acknowledge their thoughts, experiences and feelings.  I can honestly nod my head when listening to someone explain how a situation affected them, even when I might have a totally different understanding of that situation.  I can truly hear that person, and allow them to feel heard and understood.

He who answers before listening--that is his folly and his shame. (Pro. 18:3)

All too often I have in the past, and sometimes still do, fail to hear a person well because I'm too busy putting together my 'objective' take on the situation.  We can all too easily invalidate a person's experience by helping them see it from another angle before we've acknowledged what it looked and felt like from their camera angle.

Our subjective experiences are real.  Real to us.  They are a truth, in that sense, however untrue they may be when a larger body of facts and broader perspective is available.  Having someone sit with you in your experience and feeling what you're feeling is a powerful thing. Being understood is massively powerful.

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.   (Pro. 18:2)

In fact, often it is enough on its own to enable that person to evaluate their perspective and self-correct.  And you've managed to do so without ever acting as if you've got the omniscience to know all truth as God knows it.

When I was younger, I'd baulk at nodding my head to indicate understanding if I disagreed with what the other person was saying.  It was amazing how quickly my body language and posture towards them would make it clear that I was no longer with them, hearing them, understanding them and how quickly the other person would close up.

Understanding the appropriate subjectivity of truth allows me to acknowledge the other person's experience as their experience, and so to hear and understand them well without being scared of lying by nodding or saying 'right' as I listen.  To acknowledge their experience is not to validate their interpretation of it.

Listening is a language of love.  And it's only in love that the truth builds up.

Lovin' it

So I was 'reliably' informed the other day that the word 'love' was not in fact a verb (Newsboys, you got a lotta splainin' to do) and had not been used participially before the advent of the McDonald's "I'm Lovin' it" advertising campaign run by Haye & Partner since September 2, 2003 (in German) and Septemer 25, 2003 (in English).

To this, I present:

IRVING BERLIN WROTE "I'LL BE LOVING YOU, ALWAYS" IN 1925. JOSEPHINE BAKER MADE THE FIRST RECORDING IN 1926.

FRANK SINATRA RECORDED THE SONG IN 1942. THAT SAME YEAR, THE SONG BECAME THE THEME MUSIC FOR "PRIDE OF THE YANKEES", THE STORY ABOUT LOU GEHRIG.

THE MOVIE STARRED GARY COOPER, TERESA WRIGHT, AND WALTER BRENNAN. IT WAS NOMINATED FOR ELEVEN ACADEMY AWARDS.

Source.

It is good to remember

That you need to connect with someone personally before offering any thoughts on their life.

I learned in an IT lecture, of all places, that listening requires 4 things. I've now re-badged this into my little 'love is spelled LAER' spiel.

To love someone, firstly you must simply Listen to them. You have to genuinely be hearing what they're saying, how they're saying it and trying to understand them, not a preconceived idea about who they are.

Secondly, you must Acknowledge them. "I hear you." or "I can see where you're coming from." Without this step, the person may not realise that you've done the first, and may not feel that you think their thoughts are worthwhile listening to. That you value them as a person enough to hear what they have to say.

Next, and only after L and A, you should Explore what they've said, and its affect on them. "Wow, how did that feel for you?" or "What's got you to this point?" or perhaps as things go on, "Where does all the emotion that's driving these feelings in you really stem from?" There's plenty of reasons for this step. If you respond before truly understanding the issue, you'll screw it up. Even if your false understanding of the issue is the one they want you to have. Truth matters, and it's vital to make sure you've got it before addressing anything.

Lastly, and only ever after L, A and E, you can Respond. (This step may not necessarily be appropriate on every occasion. Certainly, if you haven't got connection(short-hand for pathos, trust, empathy, that sort of thing) after L, A and E then definitely don't start making calls about their life!) This response, if administered, ought be a carefully balanced serving of both Truth and Love, in proportion to the level of trust present.

In evangelism, apologetics, counselling or even catching up with a friend, LAER isn't a bad way to spell LOVE.

Agree? Disagree?

Things I've said to my wife

Don't think of me as a nice guy who doesn't like you.

Think of me as an arsehole who loves you.

How to be a good lover

According to 1 Timothy, it comes from:

A pure heart
A good conscience
A sincere faith

I could psychoanalyse this stuff and demonstrate just how each of these are absolutely necessary for real and true love, but perhaps I'll do a Paul and just say them, and leave it for you to ponder.

Perhaps you could share your wisdom with each other in the comments about how it works...

Shirts I may one day market #1

For a while now I've been contemplating entering the t-shirt design game. Nothing popular, mind you. No, that's way too mainstream for me. See, I'm old skool me, from the back streets. Cult classic, not best-seller.

So, I've decided that before exposing them to people in *gasp* 'real life', I'll post a few of the designs that I've done here, on the blog.

If anyone wants one, or likes them, then please let me know in the comments! :)

And now, for my first effort.


If you're a man looking for love, or trying to re-kindle it, then this is the shirt for you! For those blokes who aren't too bright, have a 5-second memory or the attention span of a 3-month old, this is the must-have book of the summer (so you can find your 'summer girl'). Voila!

Reminding myself of the truth

I decided to try to write something to remind myself of some important things. It turned into a series of chiasmic thingies. Here 'tis. (Certain specifics removed)

You are:

A loved and wanted son of your God.

Talk to him and listen to him.

You love and want to be close to him.

A loved and wanted husband of M.

Pray for her, talk to her and listen to her.

You love and want to be close to her.

A loved and wanted member of your church, and the rest of Jesus' family.

Pray for them, talk to them and listen to them.

You love them and want to be close to them.

A loved and wanted brother and friend of DL, KP, BS, NC, PB, MC, TM and TF.

Pray for them, talk to them and listen to them.

You love them and want to be close to them.

A loved and wanted citizen/stranger of Brisbane.

Pray for her, be part of her and listen to her.

You love and want to see her redeemed.